I Love Me Like A Good Simile
by Dubhe Epsilon
Summary: Narcissus, trapped in the Underworld for eternity, laments the lack of mirrors, and continues his quest to find the perfect way to describe his beauty. Narcissus/Narcissus


**This was written for the Pairing-AU Diversity Challenge on the Of Prompts and Challenges Forum for the prompt asphodel. In this AU, Narcissus was never freed. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own PJO, and I would not like to. I prefer to just read and admire.**

What can I say about myself? Where do I start? Should I begin with my good looks? What about my devotion to me? My charm? My great intelligence, though that is dwarfed by good looks, as is every other trait of mine? What about my general aura of awesomeness? My worldliness, for I have travelled far in pursuit of both mirrors and the perfect simile to describe myself? I suppose that the best way to demonstrate how out of this world I am is to describe a trait that is normally mundane in other people, but that you will find greatly interesting in me. Where I am now, for example.

I live in the Fields of Punishment. Apparently, the blindfolded judges were immune to my ravishing good looks and obvious charm. I think that blindfolding judges only makes them more biased, though. They focus on irrelevant traits, like my actions and nonexistent character flaws. They ignore the most important thing about me: my great beauty.

I am just so good looking, though. I'm like a perfect diamond in a sea of ugly...things. I'm like a breath of cold air on a day when you really want a breath of cold air. I'm like a really attractive roadside portapotty when you've been holding it for hours (let's not take this simile too far).

But enough about me. Just kidding! I would never deprive you of a chance to hear me talk about myself. Let's talk about what the judges thought of me. Apparently they thought I was worthy of the Fields of Punishment! C'mon! Have they _seen_ my sad face? Who could resist those beautiful, tragic puppy-dog eyes?

Apparently _they_ could. I was sent to the Fields of Punishment. I saw people being torn apart by monsters, forced to roll rocks up hills, having their blood turn to fire, being repeatedly disemboweled...I'd go on, but I wouldn't want to make me sick.

I expected something like that! But the Furies were cruel. Their punishment for me was a million times worse. If you are at all empathetic, I would advise you stop reading this now as it only gets sadder. They separated me from the one I love most! For the rest of eternity, I have to live in a five star hotel...without mirrors! I have the time of my death without being able to share it with myself. Oh, it is _horrible_. Sometimes I glance into a spoon or into one of the many private pools surrounded by lush gardens, but it isn't the same! In these reflections I am all ugly and distorted! I wasn't myself!

Worse, I have constant spa days. I weep uncontrollably, my surprisingly attractive tears streaming across my pampered skin. My nails, buffed and clipped to perfection. My hair, shampooed and styled. My pores, clear and healthy. And yet...I can't share it with myself.

Of course, I didn't take this punishment lying down. I'm far too strong-willed for that. Over the years, I've attempted to escape many times, each scheme more brilliant than the last. For example, once I sprinted out and showed my gorgeous face to the guards. You see normally I keep my face hidden, as my guards are unworthy to look at me, and, hey, if I can't see my face, no one can. I fully expected the guards to freeze in surprise and adoration. Unfortunately, they were blind, so that plan failed. Funny, I always thought that my beauty transcended sight. I planned many more escapes, each more brilliant than the last. I won't go into them, though, but don't worry, we can still talk about me!

Why was I being punished? What did I do that was so bad? I'm glad I asked. Apparently I was prideful and cruel! Prideful? I was showing appreciation for me! I made me happy all my life. I would have gone through anything for me! I would have done anything so we could be together! And I did do everything! I traveled far and wide to expand my mirror collection so I could see me from every possible angle! I always put my needs first!

Cruel? Okay, maybe I was jealous! But how could I not be? I am really, really great! And gorgeous, beautiful, stunning, comely, pretty, becoming, aesthetically pleasing, fashionable, and drop dead amazing! Let's face it, I'm pretty pretty! Okay, so maybe I was a little rude when some random ugly nymph or goddess hit on me, but I mean, me and I have had such a beautiful lifelong relationship going on and some lovesick girl isn't going to end it! Or boy, for that matter! Excuse me for being committed! (That statement was rhetorical, as I don't care in the slightest whether you, an ugly mortal, actually excuse me.)

Ah, but I've appealed the decision enough times. For now I'll just sit sadly on my huge canopy bed with goose down pillows and silk sheets and think about myself. Oh, the cruelty of the underworld. To make me so close to me, but unable to see me. It's horrible. After all, my appearance is my favorite part about me. Call me shallow, but what can you say?

Actually, don't call me shallow or I'll punch you for insulting the one I love. Yes, I'm very protective of me. I just love me that much! So, back to how gorgeous I am...I am beyond the reaches of any language. I had some hopes for that upstart language...English, I think it's called. After all, there are half a dozen words for nearly everything, but alas, nothing there could convey how much I love me.

I love me like a porcelain dove loves bubble wrap. I love me like a louse loves a huge uninfected scalp. I love me like Hades loves being weird. I love me like a poet loves similes. And why do I feel that way? Because I am as beautiful as the sun when it sets over a beautiful place that isn't crawling with tourists. Because I am as beautiful as asphodel poking through a sea of souls. Hmmm...I kinda like that. Not as much as me, of course, but I still like it. Yes, asphodel is the perfect flower to describe me with. We're both beautiful. We're both stuck in the underworld without mirrors. And, most uncannily, both of us have names starting in the first fourteen letters of the English alphabet. Yes, this must be destiny.

Like asphodel, I am underappreciated. Look at me (and count yourself lucky), the loveliest person ever to walk this Earth. And how am I celebrated? I get a measly flower named after me. Oh, and an adjective. How many mythological figures, lesser than I, have gotten eponymic words? Hephaestus, the ugly idiot, got volcano named after his Roman form. Aphrodite (who actually is not as ugly as Hephaestus) got aphrodisiac. Jupiter got jovial. Linguistically, we are equals! Can you imagine the horror?

I'm actually not sure what "narcissistic" means. I'm pretty sure that it is something along the lines of spectacularly beautiful, though. Maybe the English language has not failed me yet! It has provided a word to fully describe how amazingly gorgeous I am: narcissistic!

I am narcissistic! How glorious it is to say that! I only wish I had a mirror to celebrate my success with. I only wish my great love was with me.

**Thanks for reading! Constructive criticism is _hugely_ appreciated.**


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